Writings by Esther Stephanie

Rivers run faster when somebody cries Waters weep from the sky when somebody dies The old records and cigarette-stained books are packed away We shut the door on all the memories you made One of us is crying, while the others wipe their tears and make sure respects are paid The car is heavy with our hearts The children wonder what would be if you'd stayed I didn't know you as I hoped And my eyes rarely met your gaze But I love you, I'm sorry that you've gone And in the ground your body lays

The day ruptures. Suddenly, oceans of decades past pour out Organs sink to the floor; the water in the room rises She longs to scream for help, but her tongue has been cut   The pages of her hopeful future are sodden with tears that bear no shout She is without anger, in the crashing fear she capsizes Surging and suffocating, the ocean is vengeful, and all escapes are shut   Her air is stolen   The water whispers, ‘it’s your fault, you know what I’m about.’ For some sweet seconds she escapes, hiding in days she romanticises Can I live hidden? She thinks, for her heart cannot jut   But the rivers run too deeply to disappear for long   She prays the past will be forgotten and along will come a drought And yet the water always rises Her lungs fill up with poisoned seas; she drowns, i mprisoned in her rut

You said stay and I did on the promise that you'd care You said try and I did until there was nobody there You said “forever?” and I said, “forever and always, I swear.” But now sofas are getting sold and nobody's growing old Because we're stuck on a loop replaying and rethinking what I could've said, or how you could've tried Until everything is too much and there's no reason to survive I said stay and you did on the promise that I’d care I said try and you did until there was nobody there I said “forever?” And you said, “forever and always, I swear.” But I miss our walks round quiet tree lined paths Because we were good, no great most of the time it wasn't even hard In fact it was amazing when you would tell me about your day and we would always have a laugh We said stay and we did until one day we couldn't bear We said try and we did until we were strangers that still cared We said forever, but I just turned around, and nobody was there ...

I yearn for a life much larger than I Where the clouds glow purple and I speak with the sky Where my words are revered and love never dies You watch as I faulter and crack through the floors I scream if you knew me then I would be yours  But the doors are all slammed and no words can escape So my love does live hidden with my soul in a cape Hello? Can you hear me? Am I trapped here this way? My words kept in secrets that I'll never say I run and I jump from the world that I've made If I soak up all cultures and I swear not to stay Then your loss is a choice and there's no proof I'm afraid So I'll reach for this life much larger than I And while running from you, I'll learn how to fly

I am foolish to dream of a world never been With my wildest of thoughts lost in your gleam If a friend is what's destined, t hen a friend I will be I'll listen to your stories of lovers since past And encourage new love with the hopes that it last I'll spend hours avoiding the things we could be While up in my head I'm fruitful and free In the night I romanticise a parallel plea Of a world full of colour, bright blues and strong seas In this world the lights shimmer and we live in sunsets We love immensely in a state of unrest  But this world is illusion wrapped up in clover For in life we are nothing, not even enough to be over Just moments in dust A look in the eye blown away in the wind But I adore my illusion so I stay close within

Here I am at the same crossroads from all those years ago. Watching when you punched me on this very spot. Now I am back in the house  that’s  poisoned with your memory. As I walk through the old, dismantled kitchen into the blank extension, all I see is when you pulled a knife on me in front of all our friends. All I see are the things you made of me. Are you the reason my heart beats like a broken flickering light? Are you the reason I do not dare go out at night? You swept me up the day we met with I love  yous  and stolen kisses; little did I know you would destroy me with throws on the ground and thankful near misses.     I was 14. It was a Saturday when you waltzed into my life in tow with a good friend of mine. There was a force of nature about you, a feeling that disappointing you was a truly foolish thing to do. Truthfully, I sank quite comfortably into your soft green eyes. As far as I knew at 14, I loved you. What a sad fool I was. We had been to...